Embracing the Unexpected : January 2016

This week we had a small class activity that involved having to pick an object that we saw in our lives that represent veterinary school to us.

I chose this small sea turtle gift my friend bought me while in Hawaii last summer. This may seem stranger to you for me to pick a turtle when I'm obviously obsessed with dogs, skiing, rugby...etc but for me this encapsulates my whole story of getting to this point in my life.

We had to use this object to explain what it meant to us, allowing for each of us to open up and share more of "our" story to how we got here. Veterinarians all have one goal, help animals, yet how we get here, get into vet school and what each of us goes through to reach this point is the real stories. The accomplishments, failures, life trials and life highs that brought us all together is where the real story lies.

I thought I would expand a bit more on this project and write about it. I wasn't completely able to fullly explain myself in front of our whole class. (I've always been better at writing than speaking)

First sea turtles are awesome, they are my favorite water animal. Never really knew why, but just something about how peacefully they move and exist yet live for over a hundred years. Think of all the things they've seen all the places they've been.

Sea turtles represent perseverance. When I first learned this I finally realized why I love them.

Dictionary.com defines perseverance as a steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I never thought much about perseverance and getting through difficult times, life just keeps moving on and one day you realized that horrible thing you experienced was just an event and an event you made it through. Here is why I believe a sea turtle can encompass my story...

Veterinary school is one of the hardest graduate/ professional program to get accepted into in this nation. The veterinary profession also has the highest rate of depression and suicide in our nation. Yet has one of the highest satisfaction rate too.
It is also probably the most popular answer for kids when they are asked, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
These are not things you hear about often nor things you learn or understand till you are here. At that time in life where you've put everything you have, every once of energy to apply and get in.

I have had more professors and teachers tell me to have a good back up plan than tell me I stood a chance of getting into a vet school. I have been told no by over 20 vet offices while trying to find any form of experience, I have stressed and broken down over a B or C because that would mean I wouldn't get accepted into vet school. I said no to skiing scholarships to make sure I went to a good biology school to set myself up for vet school.

Persistence through discouragement...

Life comes with death, mountains and valleys that leave you feeling hopeless, wanting to give up, feeling like you are free falling backwards than crawling forwards. Sometimes dreams get put on hold so you can take the time to build and learn through these trials and realize how important that dream was to begin with.

Persistence through obstacles...

Once we get here, get accepted into veterinary school. First thought is, I did it. That last for about 3 months, then a month of holly crap I'm starting school and you frantically try and prepare. Then you start, learn about how hard it will be and first semester is the worst, and relationships will fall a part and new ones will be created because of the time commitment that comes with vet school. First round of exams come and you suddenly realize they made a mistake... there is no way I belong here, I don't know this stuff, I'm not smart enough, I'm not going to make it, you cry to yourself on your way home at night (if you even leave because there is no way you can sleep with this much to learn)
This doesn't even account for the trials life still likes to throw at you saying, "so what you made it this far, why would I let up and take it easy on you now?"
Then you realize how amazing skype is to call that one person who can kick you in the butt and make you laugh, realize lunch breaks are a good time to catch up with family, and that whether you wanted it to happen or not you have a new family surrounding you every single day that knows exactly when something is right or wrong. Stop and realize holly crap, I'm IN vet school! I just did a physical exam on a reindeer, and worked a check point for a dog sled race, and had a live horse in anatomy class. Realize that no matter what life throws at you, it is that awesome to be HERE to be currently living that dream you've had for all your life.

Persistence in a course of action, a purpose

The best anaology though, sea turtles though they dive deep and hold their breath for extended period of times... THEY KEEP MOVING,
                        THEY COME UP FOR FRESH AIR
                                 THEY COME TO LAND TO LAY THEIR EGGS
They persevere through years of turbulent waters, traveling thousands of miles for a purpose.

When I look at my little sea turtle sitting on my desk here at school, I don't see my story. I see my classmate's stories both UAF and CSU. I see the stories of every veterinarian I've had the pleasure of meeting. I see the perseverance it took for every single one of us to be where we are for the sacrifices they've made to chase their dreams.

I am also reminded that every now and then we need to give ourselves a break to lay in the sun, take time to ourselves and to see the world. Take a vacation.

I stand by my blog title daily, Embrace the Unexpected

That is the best way to live this crazy life, to live in place for those we have lost, to live and enjoy not just the final goal, but the journey it takes to get there.
                                     To enjoy the story while it is been written...

Hello, I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays and are ready to take on 2016!

I have been struggling for a while now about writing. I have had the time to do it, but have not been able to find the words to type out. I wanted to post a thanksgiving post and a Christmas post and a new year post, but I have honestly been struggling with finding a way to explain how this last year has been for me. I am always searching and filtering through each day to find the positive things in life, because I know life is beautiful and that I am blessed beyond my imagination to have the life I live and to have the people who support me, encourage me, and challenge me through each and every day.

I feel like the only way to explain how my first semester of veterinary school went is to bring you all back to the beginning of last year. 2015 was a year of trails, rewards, growth, and pain for me. I was told a few weeks ago by my professor that he was proud of me, that no matter what gets thrown at me I never let it win and I just push through. I smile politely and said there really is not another option… is there?
The more I think about it the more I have realized there are countless options to react to the situations I have seen this past year. To me, however, there is only one and that is to keep moving forward, keep taking one step at a time, and never stop fighting for the things you want most in life.

I know what I have been through is dust in the wind compared to so many others, but here is my recap, here is my 2015.

    I began the year still helping my friends recover from their devastating house fire. Watching the destruction of fire was one of the worst things I have ever had to see. I was happy I could help them raise money to rebuild their business and home as well as care for their most loved possessions, their dogs. Within two weeks of the new year I found out my best friend, the one who stood beside me for years, slept by my side every night and saved me for some of the worse years of my life had leukemia. Chase died January 19th 2015 in my van while I was driving him to the vet office. He used the last of his strength to crawl as close as he could to me so I could have my hand on him while driving. I felt his heart stop and watched the blood pour out of his mouth. I was not able to clean the blood out of my van until August. I lost Chase 3 days after the anniversary of Abby’s death, my first ever Siberian husky, my first dream come true. 3 days after the anniversary of adopting Lucy, and 3 days after getting the call that I had been accepted into the veterinary medical program as a resident to the University of Alaska Fairbanks/ Colorado State University. The acceptance into vet school is unexplainable to have one goal from age 3, 23 years of fighting, and getting that call… I fell to my knees and just cried, Chase was there burying his head into me wagging his tail like he knew exactly what just happened. 20 minutes later he went into shock from his cancer meds for the first time. I had 20 mins of complete bliss and joy that I was accepted and honestly I do not think I’ve had that feeling since.
    Losing Chase was the hardest day of my life, but after I made it back to the kennel and laid emotionless for hours in my bed clinging to his picture I got up and went out to feed the almost 100 dogs we had at the kennel because everyone else was gone at a race and I had no other choice. I just kept moving. I knew Chase would never want me to love any dog any less without him around, and he would never ever want me to hurt. So I did my best, I do my best everyday to live like he did, happy, outgoing, and full of love.
    The next few months were very hard at the kennel, busy and hectic. We got DeeDee to the start of Iditarod then I got to take off to work on the Iditarod trail in Galena, AK. This again a dream come true for me, to be out there on the trail caring for the amazing athletes I live my life for.

April I worked alone at the kennel, cleaned up and did summer prep kept me extremely busy. Then I had the call for a job in Juneau, AK for the summer giving dog sled tours. I took the job knowing it would greatly help with my finances starting vet school. I knew I need a little break and since I cancelled my trip back to WI I decided to go visit a friend in Hawaii to go somewhere with no memory of Chase. I had a great short 4 days there and thoroughly enjoyed the warmth and sunshine and sleeping in.
This break from life seems almost non exist now as the day I got back, the day before I left for Juneau I got a call from my step-dad informing me that my mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to make the calls to tell my sisters, and it felt like getting punched in the stomach each call and make it more real each time. I left for Juneau in the morning trying to pretend it wasn’t real. In fact I didn’t tell anyone I was working with for three weeks, in fact most of you are probably just finding out now for the first time. I spent the first month working talking to guest being happy and excited to share about sled dogs and each night hoping it wasn’t real, hoping surgery would be all it took for her, wondering about what that means for my future. A future without my mom doesn’t seem possible. She is my motivation for becoming a doctor my passion for science and the one who taught me what it means to be a fighter.
    Thankfully her surgery went well and she is now cancer free! I was able to get home in June to see her and to be in my best friend, little sister’s wedding. It was a very short trip back all of 3 days then back to the glacier. Huge reminder to get check ups yearly my mom was fortunate to catch the cancer early.
    I was back to work on the glacier for 4 days then sent down on a day off. When I landed I was informed a wildfire had started at mile 77 on the parks highway. “I’m at 73” was my response. I spent the rest of the night contacting friends back home in Willow to see what was going on. All I knew was all the dogs were evacuated and all people got out safely. I didn’t sleep I watch as the fire tracker completely covered my neighborhood and called it the hottest part of the fire…
    I received a text at 7:30am from my friend, it was a picture of DeeDee’s property… what was left of it, with the words, “it’s all gone”
    Next thing I knew I was on my knees in our parking lot barely breathing, how could this happen, why wasn’t I there to help clear things out, how are my family doing, why am I here… so many thoughts and emotions rushed over me but the strongest was the thought I lost Chase and Abby’s ashes… I was a zombie that day barely able to speak, I just walked around lost. I was scheduled to go back to work on the glacier at 7pm. All I wanted was to fly home and be with my family in willow, but I went back to work. I went to the glacier and went right to my girls (dogs) from DeeDee’s kennel and hug them, they were the closest to home I could feel. I am incredible grateful for my friends I had made on the glacier and for their overwhelming support. I didn’t know what else to do but work. So I kept working, being told not to come home because i needed to be ready for vet school and thought I needed to, well completely start over.
    A couple days later I received a text while on the glacier (yes I had minimal service up there) and it was a picture of Chase’s ashes. I thought it was a joke. Turns out my good friend and state trooper as well as some other friends in town had gotten into the neighborhood and discovered the only building left on the property was the one I lived in. I can not explain the emotions I felt. relief and guilt are just a few…
    I left work a week earlier than planned seeing as I had a lot to come home too as well as I still had not found a place to live for school.
    I began vet school 2 weeks later crawling out of a tent at a campsite… I found a 12x12foot cabin with a classmate from school in a pinch and moved in at the end of day one. This is obviously not ideal, but it was warm, and dry. I am so grateful for a complete stranger who found me on Facebook and offered me kitchen goods a futon, and down coverall (needed for school). I had a bed and a roof over my head so I was grateful. I spent the next month or so finding a bigger real place to live. By Thanksgiving I had moved into a dry house( 24x24feet) meaning no running water or a bathroom, but had plenty of room for my dogs and clothes to finally be unpacked. This was all very stressful to deal with and find time for while struggling through my first semester of vet school mostly without a dog to cheer me up everyday.
    One of my classmates and I decided we could handle fostering a few puppies for a couple weeks, and it was great having dogs back in my life, but I still wasn’t ready to get one after losing Chase. However, I received a text on morning informing me Annabelle, the puppy Chase and I raised last year, needed a home because her hips are not ideal for racing. I knew at that moment I was going to be okay. Having Annabelle did not replace Chase at all, but she is helping to fill a void in my heart and she is a daily reminder of how amazing Chase was and how much he loved everybody and every dog.
    I finished out the semester stressed and tired and almost burnt out, but I passed and finished. The day after I received a called about my girl Lucy down in Willow saying she wasn’t doing well an that I needed to come home and make the decision if it was her time or not. This was one month ago today, 11 months of Chase dying… I was a wreck to say the least. I went home watched Lucy and just had a gut feeling it wasn’t her time but gave myself a timeframe if she didn’t seem to improve. I am happy to say a week and half after he could barely walk, she began running around again and eating. As of now she is back to her old self pestering the sled dogs. she will be 15 in April.

My winter break was busy, I didn’t want to slow down, I didn’t want to think about my last year, n fact I have taken weeks to try and get this posted written. I spent my winter holiday break helping my friends with their sewing business and helping them get ready for their first baby coming any day now. I got to train dogs at DeeDee’s kennel again and spent 10 days in WI where I was incredible blessed to see so many friends from all over the country.

I know what I went through this past year is nothing compared to some, but I hope my story can help some people out there who are struggling. There were a lot of up and downs and I know it could have been so much worse and I am grateful it was not.
I have never allowed myself to have the choice to give up. Life will always going on and yes sometimes you have to just hang on for the ride, but other times you have to stand up and punch life in the face and say this is my day and I make it how I want it.
Moving on, letting go, fighting and never giving up are choices we can make each and every day.
I am grateful to be living my dream in vet school and to be finding new dreams and new goals everyday that I strive for. I always try and find the good from every situation I’ve been given, and this past year I learned a lot. Lot about me and a lot about how amazing people can be.

We all have enormous hearts and when use for compassion for others amazing things can happen. I want to thank each and every person in my life this past year that challenged me, frustrated me, taught me something new, helped me when I was down and answered a text or call from me.
I WOULD NOT be where I am right now without having the support and encouragement form those around me. So thank you, from the apex of my heart, thank you.

You’ll notice I didn’t talk much about school. It is school I took 24 credits last semester spending 12-15 hours a day at school, managed to get back into rugby and am coaching a little downhill ski racing again. I even managed time to go dancing, met so many new people and had a few fun adventures running dogs at new kennels and exploring more of Fairbanks. I will try to post more this semester as I know writing is a way of healing for me and I need to take the time to do things I enjoy every now and then. :)