Embracing the Unexpected : 2015 recap... destruction, death, strength, achievment, and living a dream

Hello, I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays and are ready to take on 2016!

I have been struggling for a while now about writing. I have had the time to do it, but have not been able to find the words to type out. I wanted to post a thanksgiving post and a Christmas post and a new year post, but I have honestly been struggling with finding a way to explain how this last year has been for me. I am always searching and filtering through each day to find the positive things in life, because I know life is beautiful and that I am blessed beyond my imagination to have the life I live and to have the people who support me, encourage me, and challenge me through each and every day.

I feel like the only way to explain how my first semester of veterinary school went is to bring you all back to the beginning of last year. 2015 was a year of trails, rewards, growth, and pain for me. I was told a few weeks ago by my professor that he was proud of me, that no matter what gets thrown at me I never let it win and I just push through. I smile politely and said there really is not another option… is there?
The more I think about it the more I have realized there are countless options to react to the situations I have seen this past year. To me, however, there is only one and that is to keep moving forward, keep taking one step at a time, and never stop fighting for the things you want most in life.

I know what I have been through is dust in the wind compared to so many others, but here is my recap, here is my 2015.

    I began the year still helping my friends recover from their devastating house fire. Watching the destruction of fire was one of the worst things I have ever had to see. I was happy I could help them raise money to rebuild their business and home as well as care for their most loved possessions, their dogs. Within two weeks of the new year I found out my best friend, the one who stood beside me for years, slept by my side every night and saved me for some of the worse years of my life had leukemia. Chase died January 19th 2015 in my van while I was driving him to the vet office. He used the last of his strength to crawl as close as he could to me so I could have my hand on him while driving. I felt his heart stop and watched the blood pour out of his mouth. I was not able to clean the blood out of my van until August. I lost Chase 3 days after the anniversary of Abby’s death, my first ever Siberian husky, my first dream come true. 3 days after the anniversary of adopting Lucy, and 3 days after getting the call that I had been accepted into the veterinary medical program as a resident to the University of Alaska Fairbanks/ Colorado State University. The acceptance into vet school is unexplainable to have one goal from age 3, 23 years of fighting, and getting that call… I fell to my knees and just cried, Chase was there burying his head into me wagging his tail like he knew exactly what just happened. 20 minutes later he went into shock from his cancer meds for the first time. I had 20 mins of complete bliss and joy that I was accepted and honestly I do not think I’ve had that feeling since.
    Losing Chase was the hardest day of my life, but after I made it back to the kennel and laid emotionless for hours in my bed clinging to his picture I got up and went out to feed the almost 100 dogs we had at the kennel because everyone else was gone at a race and I had no other choice. I just kept moving. I knew Chase would never want me to love any dog any less without him around, and he would never ever want me to hurt. So I did my best, I do my best everyday to live like he did, happy, outgoing, and full of love.
    The next few months were very hard at the kennel, busy and hectic. We got DeeDee to the start of Iditarod then I got to take off to work on the Iditarod trail in Galena, AK. This again a dream come true for me, to be out there on the trail caring for the amazing athletes I live my life for.

April I worked alone at the kennel, cleaned up and did summer prep kept me extremely busy. Then I had the call for a job in Juneau, AK for the summer giving dog sled tours. I took the job knowing it would greatly help with my finances starting vet school. I knew I need a little break and since I cancelled my trip back to WI I decided to go visit a friend in Hawaii to go somewhere with no memory of Chase. I had a great short 4 days there and thoroughly enjoyed the warmth and sunshine and sleeping in.
This break from life seems almost non exist now as the day I got back, the day before I left for Juneau I got a call from my step-dad informing me that my mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to make the calls to tell my sisters, and it felt like getting punched in the stomach each call and make it more real each time. I left for Juneau in the morning trying to pretend it wasn’t real. In fact I didn’t tell anyone I was working with for three weeks, in fact most of you are probably just finding out now for the first time. I spent the first month working talking to guest being happy and excited to share about sled dogs and each night hoping it wasn’t real, hoping surgery would be all it took for her, wondering about what that means for my future. A future without my mom doesn’t seem possible. She is my motivation for becoming a doctor my passion for science and the one who taught me what it means to be a fighter.
    Thankfully her surgery went well and she is now cancer free! I was able to get home in June to see her and to be in my best friend, little sister’s wedding. It was a very short trip back all of 3 days then back to the glacier. Huge reminder to get check ups yearly my mom was fortunate to catch the cancer early.
    I was back to work on the glacier for 4 days then sent down on a day off. When I landed I was informed a wildfire had started at mile 77 on the parks highway. “I’m at 73” was my response. I spent the rest of the night contacting friends back home in Willow to see what was going on. All I knew was all the dogs were evacuated and all people got out safely. I didn’t sleep I watch as the fire tracker completely covered my neighborhood and called it the hottest part of the fire…
    I received a text at 7:30am from my friend, it was a picture of DeeDee’s property… what was left of it, with the words, “it’s all gone”
    Next thing I knew I was on my knees in our parking lot barely breathing, how could this happen, why wasn’t I there to help clear things out, how are my family doing, why am I here… so many thoughts and emotions rushed over me but the strongest was the thought I lost Chase and Abby’s ashes… I was a zombie that day barely able to speak, I just walked around lost. I was scheduled to go back to work on the glacier at 7pm. All I wanted was to fly home and be with my family in willow, but I went back to work. I went to the glacier and went right to my girls (dogs) from DeeDee’s kennel and hug them, they were the closest to home I could feel. I am incredible grateful for my friends I had made on the glacier and for their overwhelming support. I didn’t know what else to do but work. So I kept working, being told not to come home because i needed to be ready for vet school and thought I needed to, well completely start over.
    A couple days later I received a text while on the glacier (yes I had minimal service up there) and it was a picture of Chase’s ashes. I thought it was a joke. Turns out my good friend and state trooper as well as some other friends in town had gotten into the neighborhood and discovered the only building left on the property was the one I lived in. I can not explain the emotions I felt. relief and guilt are just a few…
    I left work a week earlier than planned seeing as I had a lot to come home too as well as I still had not found a place to live for school.
    I began vet school 2 weeks later crawling out of a tent at a campsite… I found a 12x12foot cabin with a classmate from school in a pinch and moved in at the end of day one. This is obviously not ideal, but it was warm, and dry. I am so grateful for a complete stranger who found me on Facebook and offered me kitchen goods a futon, and down coverall (needed for school). I had a bed and a roof over my head so I was grateful. I spent the next month or so finding a bigger real place to live. By Thanksgiving I had moved into a dry house( 24x24feet) meaning no running water or a bathroom, but had plenty of room for my dogs and clothes to finally be unpacked. This was all very stressful to deal with and find time for while struggling through my first semester of vet school mostly without a dog to cheer me up everyday.
    One of my classmates and I decided we could handle fostering a few puppies for a couple weeks, and it was great having dogs back in my life, but I still wasn’t ready to get one after losing Chase. However, I received a text on morning informing me Annabelle, the puppy Chase and I raised last year, needed a home because her hips are not ideal for racing. I knew at that moment I was going to be okay. Having Annabelle did not replace Chase at all, but she is helping to fill a void in my heart and she is a daily reminder of how amazing Chase was and how much he loved everybody and every dog.
    I finished out the semester stressed and tired and almost burnt out, but I passed and finished. The day after I received a called about my girl Lucy down in Willow saying she wasn’t doing well an that I needed to come home and make the decision if it was her time or not. This was one month ago today, 11 months of Chase dying… I was a wreck to say the least. I went home watched Lucy and just had a gut feeling it wasn’t her time but gave myself a timeframe if she didn’t seem to improve. I am happy to say a week and half after he could barely walk, she began running around again and eating. As of now she is back to her old self pestering the sled dogs. she will be 15 in April.

My winter break was busy, I didn’t want to slow down, I didn’t want to think about my last year, n fact I have taken weeks to try and get this posted written. I spent my winter holiday break helping my friends with their sewing business and helping them get ready for their first baby coming any day now. I got to train dogs at DeeDee’s kennel again and spent 10 days in WI where I was incredible blessed to see so many friends from all over the country.

I know what I went through this past year is nothing compared to some, but I hope my story can help some people out there who are struggling. There were a lot of up and downs and I know it could have been so much worse and I am grateful it was not.
I have never allowed myself to have the choice to give up. Life will always going on and yes sometimes you have to just hang on for the ride, but other times you have to stand up and punch life in the face and say this is my day and I make it how I want it.
Moving on, letting go, fighting and never giving up are choices we can make each and every day.
I am grateful to be living my dream in vet school and to be finding new dreams and new goals everyday that I strive for. I always try and find the good from every situation I’ve been given, and this past year I learned a lot. Lot about me and a lot about how amazing people can be.

We all have enormous hearts and when use for compassion for others amazing things can happen. I want to thank each and every person in my life this past year that challenged me, frustrated me, taught me something new, helped me when I was down and answered a text or call from me.
I WOULD NOT be where I am right now without having the support and encouragement form those around me. So thank you, from the apex of my heart, thank you.

You’ll notice I didn’t talk much about school. It is school I took 24 credits last semester spending 12-15 hours a day at school, managed to get back into rugby and am coaching a little downhill ski racing again. I even managed time to go dancing, met so many new people and had a few fun adventures running dogs at new kennels and exploring more of Fairbanks. I will try to post more this semester as I know writing is a way of healing for me and I need to take the time to do things I enjoy every now and then. :)